Odiiiinnnn!!!

The Glenntopian Nickelodeon is finally showed that Viking movie I've been looking forward to. Bearing the remarkably unoriginal yet strangely appropriate title The Vikings it stars Kirk Douglas as Einar, a (wait for it) Viking. Kirk is his usual virile, dimpled self. Here he crosses swords with Tony Curtis, kidnaps Janet Leigh, and has a generally great time with Ernest Borgnine. This being a 1950s action flick I was expecting helmets with horns, a comic-book plot, and southern California standing in for Norway. What I got was a serious attempt to look as historically accurate as possible, shot in and around the fjords, and a comic-book plot. It all worked for me.

The filmmakers cracked their history books and built three Viking dragon ships, sailing and rowing them in Norway. Everything looked right, the shields, the armour, the settlement, it all looked great. The plot . . . ah, who cares? It's just an excuse for the action -- and there's lots of action. Flashing swords, pitched battles, pillaging, raping, looting, the whole Viking thing. Borgnine almost steals the film as Ragnar, the Viking chief. Here's a guy who enjoys every minute of his life. He presides over a particularly merry band, who, when not raiding the English, enjoy carousing in their great hall and drinking from horns that are frequently replenished by blond women who just dip them into a vast vat of suds. As I watched this scene of happy, hairy drunks I came to realize -- Norway must be heaven.

But then there's England, and a castle to be attacked. This is where the historical accuracy breaks down. My beloved Royal Historian pointed out that a castle of that design would have been impossible for the time, and that the shields and chainmail the English were wearing were equally anachronistic. Oh well, what's half a millennium between friends? It doesn't make the fight scenes any less exciting.

11 reasons you want to be a Viking in this movie:

*You don't have to waste a lot of time shaving.

*All the beer you can pillage.

*You get to kidnap women who look like Janet Leigh. Yow.

*Hailing. If you see your pal Bob you don't just say, hi Bob, you shout Hail Bob! That's cool.

*When you come home from work they blow a humongous horn and everyone drops what they're doing to cheer you. Nowadays the cat doesn't even get off the couch when I come home.

*You get to shout "Odin!" a lot.

*Norway is beautiful.

*Dragon ships are cool. Yeah, you have to do a lot of rowing, but it still beats paying for a membership at a gym.

*Hanging around with Ragnar. That guy throws a great party.

*Cool theme music.

*Running the oars. Watch for the scene where Kirk Douglas runs the oars. What an athlete. Kirk rocks.

Last line: This flick is a lot of fun. I swear this by the sacred blood of Odin!